It's hard for me to say no to things. Hard to not give myself away in time, money and talent when asked. This may seem generous and magnanimous, but if it's not a request that comes from my Lord, than my motives are most likely impure.
Motivation, motivation: such a sneaky, underlying villain. Oftentimes I find that I give something away and then begin to feel resentful. What does that reveal? Well, most likely, it shows that I wanted something in return. I wanted accolades or recognition. I wanted to be liked and appreciated. I wanted to be given something back reciprocally...
What does that have to do with love? What does that have to do with self-sacrifice and the giving of oneself freely, as unto the Lord?
Zilch.
I like keeping people happy. I don't like it when people are mad at me. I like to be seen as a generous and serving person. What does this mean? I am a people pleaser.
Having this personality can make it hard to figure out when God is asking me to do something versus just wanting to keep someone happy. I can swing between extremes: either I am giving until I drop and burn out, or I wall up and refuse everyone. I believe this happens when I am not listening to my Lord very well.
He, of course, has perfect boundaries. He's plenty busy but never made urgent by others' demands.
When Jesus walked on the earth, he knew his Father's mind and did exactly those activities for which he was called. He healed one paralytic at the crowded pool of Bethesda. He cast out demons from a particular man of the Garasenes. He stopped and chatted with one outcast woman at the well in Samaria. He knew what to do and what not to do. He was not swayed by the crowd sentiment or their plans for him.
I hope I can grow to be more like him.
Lately I've been convicted about participating in ministries to which He has not called me. I've just said yes when asked, thinking that since they are doing good things in the name of the Lord, surely I should join in. But this attitude about life gets me into quite a few pickles. I find myself stretched thin, taking on projects that consume my time. I find that the work is joyless. I feel my resentments growing. I feel the burden more than an assurance of God's will. And because I hate to break a commitment, I stay too long in works that I never should have taken on in the first place.
It really isn't very fun.
But thankfully, there are times when I truly have walked in the call of God. It helps me to know the difference. It is so important to ask Him what his will is for our lives. So important to stop listening to the other voices and focus in on the still, small Voice that holds our future.
I know the difference between an authentic call and the counterfeit. The real call is not bereft of struggle, but has assurance and peace wrapped up in it. The real call opens my soul to more of Christ. The real call holds joy.
I know that I was called to be involved with Young Life. I know that I was called to mentor one specific girl through a dark valley of her life. I know that God was the architect of my time with a young man who had special needs. I know that I am called to my neighborhood. I am called to be an artist for the glory of God. I know that God has given me the privileged call of walking beside one man for the rest of my life, to know him and be a grace giver and receiver. And now I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I am called to a new little life, growing inside me.
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| Here is our little one! A mere 2" of perfectly formed, miraculous little life. |
We don't know if it's a boy or a girl. We found out that this baby was with us on the day of my last post. (Hence the ensuing silence. How could I nonchalantly write about anything else with this beautiful secret in my life?). We don't know if it will be sick or healthy. We don't know what kind of personality our child will have. We don't know how long we will get to have this little one with us. Will he or she bury us in old age? Will we bury this one in youth? None of this is secure. None of this is promised.
But one thing I do know. For as long as I live, I am called to be a light, a love-bearer, a teacher, a grace-giver, justice-meter, a comforter, a safe place, and a truth teller to this little soul. I hope I never forget the importance of this calling.
Having this little one on the way makes the counterfeit calls all the more apparent. I just cannot waste my time or God's, focusing on things that he has not asked of me. It amounts to rebellion. It might look pretty, but it's still disobedience. It also means that the one who would be called to that ministry languishes on the sidelines, waiting for me to get out of the way.
I think I've often believed that a call from God brought some sort of clout, recognition, or position of importance. Being in active ministry put a feather in my cap that allowed me to feel secure in my own righteousness. I used it as a way to prove my worth and value.
But now I see that most calls are hidden and humble. He asks us to be present to one particular person, to pray one specific prayer, to be present at one seemingly insignificant moment. Some calls are grandiose, but most are clothed in the commonplace and mundane. No fanfare accompanies a dirty diaper cleaned up without grumbling or a report honestly conducted.
The call of Jesus is to be faithful in these little things. He adds the significance with His presence. After all, he took a meager lunch of bread and fish and turned it into food for thousands. Only he knows what he will do with the humble acts of a faithful life lived to honor him.
We will get to meet our baby in February, right around Valentine's day. :)
