God in my Closet

I heard a THUMP, a yelp, and muffled, "Help me!"
Bounding upstairs to the bedroom I shared with my little sister, I found her awkwardly wedged behind the double-decker shoe rack in our closet.

She was obviously stuck, feet in the air, one arm beneath her, accompanied by a jelly shoe, dirty laundry, and all manner of little girl minutiae.

Upon extrication, she shamefacedly explained that she had been reading C.S. Lewis's The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, and had noticed a shoe at an odd angle in our closet. It seemed to disappear into the wall, so she thought there might be a door into another world, right in our very room!  When she attempted to get into the fantasy land, she fell over the shoe rack and got stuck.

I laughed and teased her, and told everyone else in our family about the silly thing she did. Her eight-year-old imagination had managed to transfer the mystical land of Lewis's wardrobe to our dry-walled, suburban closet. It was so funny and ridiculous!

I was forgetting that just that week, maybe even the night before, I had cowered in that same closet, praying for God to protect me. I was so afraid evil spirits would get me, that I would be possessed if I let my guard down, or say the wrong thing and be condemned to hell. Fear crushed me into panic attacks in that closet. I would hide in its light, crying and praying, wanting to see a guardian angel, wanting proof that I was safe, wanting to escape the darkness in the dark of our room.

With twenty two years of hindsight, I can see that she and I were after the same thing. We both wanted another world to infiltrate our own, and with the faith of children, we thought it was possible. I wistfully realize now that we had better understanding then.  What was her longing, but for heaven? What was my longing, but to take refuge in a real, true God?

Jesus exhorted us to have faith like a child. I think that includes knowing there is no 'impossible' with God.  He can do anything we ask or imagine.  As we age, it seems like we don't out-grow child faith as much as diminish from it. Nowadays, even though I claim him as my God and Savior, I find that I don't  ask because I don't trust. I don't ask for fear that He won't show up.

Jesus also said that the Kingdom of God is at hand! It is coming! It is here, now!
But most of the time we don't have seeing eyes. We don't see that the heavenly kingdom is in constant motion, infiltrating this world all the time.  Perhaps if we could peel back our curtain of blindness,  rid ourselves of the dark glass, we would realize that heaven is at work among us and God is always, always our very present help in trouble. Always, and now.

There have only been a few times in my adult life that God has broken through to me, shown me a glimpse of this reality.  They are always startling, dreadful, awe-filled moments. 

One time I was sitting under a tree in the mountains and looked up to see an insect suspended in the air. I was suddenly aware of the space all around and beyond it. I looked past it into the blue sky and knew that beyond the blue was endless blackness scattered with stars. I knew it went on forever and ever, that it was immense, infinite. And I felt the Lord saying, "It all fits in the palm of my hand."  I was aware of His bigness beyond the universe, and my heart pounded with awe-full fear. I wanted to hide under a rock. I wanted to jump in the bushes like Eve in the garden. So exposed and small. 

But mixed in with that fear was longing. I couldn't stand it, but I didn't ever want it to stop.  God's greatness threatened to crush me, but all I wanted was to stay and be crushed. I was wholly known, crushingly known, but wholly loved regardless. This revelation was just a moment, a few seconds and it was over, but I still long for it. Heaven was at hand. 

I am thankful that he showed me some truth. In the midst of miseries and uncertainties, in the face of decisions and unknowns and brokenness, I can remember that our world is cradled in a mighty big hand. Only a God so great, only the only God, could condescend to care for each soul and still hold all the universe together. It is what makes him God.

It is daunting to know that God is so great, intimidating even. Who are we that he is mindful of us? And yet, that is also the sweetness of childlike faith. I know that God was in our closet, comforting me to sleep, awakening a thirst in my sister. His heaven invading our small world. No matter how important the Daddy, he will always be attentive to his children.  

Always, and now.

Jump for Jehoshaphat!

I was wondering what to write about this morning and did a random flip-open of the Bible.
WA-POW! "He summons the heavens above, and the earth, that he may judge his people."

Nope, I don't really want to broach that subject. So I flipped again... "Rise up, O Judge of the earth; pay back to the proud what they deserve."
And again, "He will judge the world in righteousness..."
And again, "But the court will sit, and his power will be taken away..."
Flip, "You are the ones who justify yourselves in the eyes of men, but God know your hearts."
Flip, "Instead He entrusted Himself to Him who judges justly."

I'm not kidding.  Each random Bible-opening found yet another verse on judgement. The final straw came in with: "I will gather all nations and bring down to the Valley of Jehoshaphat. There I will enter in judgment against them concerning my inheritance,  my people Israel..." (Joel 3:2).

So I gave in. I'm writing about Jehoshaphat.  It's an unpopular baby name these days, but it means 'the Lord judges'.

The concept of the Lord's judgment is not popular with most Americans (and perhaps too popular with a small minority). Biblically, the Lord's judgment is the end of the world, the final judgment of earth. The imagery isn't very appealing. The sun turns black; the moon turns to blood. There is blood and fire and billows of smoke. Destruction. Weeping and gnashing of teeth. The grapes of wrath are trampled. "The day of the Lord will come like a thief. The heavens will disappear with a roar; the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and everything in it will be laid bare." (2 Peter 3:10)
Ouch. Now you see why I wanted to avoid this altogether.

But in the midst of devastation, there's something seemingly out of place.

Praise. Thanksgiving. Joy.

Revelation has the heavens rejoicing, and in 19:1-2 goes on to say, "Hallelujah! Salvation and glory and power belong to our God, for true and just are his judgments."

True and just are his judgments. 

Our perfect God made a perfect world, and gave it to us. We proceeded to destroy it for personal gain. He made us in his image, his highest creation. We proceeded to kill, exploit, ignore, scorn, and abuse each other. He gave us the words of absolute Truth, and we proceeded to discredit and judge them based on our desires.  Is it not right that He justly looks at our conduct and finds us wanting? 

So often we don't take our own misconduct very seriously... a little white lie, a moment of temper, minor gossip with a friend, improper change collected, harmless piracy of movies or music, a moral slip, a bad habit, it just happened once, just looking out for myself...
When we compare ours to the obvious sins of others, we can't possibly be judged as evil.  And even if we know we've screwed up, nothing we do now can undo our pasts. A true judge will see us clearly. Our hearts will betray us. Shouldn't we praise him for being a true judge?

Then also, there are all these unsatisfied debts, all these wrongs committed that have never been righted. "Will not God bring justice about for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you He will see that they get justice, and quickly." (Luke 18:7-8) The Lord will avenge the helpless, the victims. Again, isn't this just judge worthy of praise?

I think this is the point where the gleeful minority shout out, "That's right! Stick it to 'em! Give them what they deserve. Bring it on!"

But lest we be hasty in wanting fire to rain down, remember that the Lord waits patiently to make his final judgment, "not wanting anyone to perish, but all to come to repentance" (2 Peter 3:9). God himself says, "Do I take pleasure in the death of the wicked? Rather am I not pleased when they turn from their ways (a.k.a. repent) and live? "(Ezekiel 18:23).  Delight over the destruction of the this world is not aligned with the heart of God.  He clearly isn't of a mind to rush things, and gives us all kinds of opportunity to come back to Him. Talk about unconditional love.

Praise and lament seem to go together in the case of final judgment, but praise ultimately wins the day. Included in the Revelation revelry is salvation: "For Christ died for sins, once for all, the just for the unjust, to bring you to God." (1 Peter 3:18). His sacrifice opens the door to repentance, so that if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The debt of death is paid. We're given Grace and mercy we cannot earn. We can be reconciled to God.  We can escape judgment and live. At the final judgment and destruction of this world, God will bring forth a new heaven and a new earth: beautiful, glorious, free of pain and sorrow. Hallelujah indeed! 

The Final Judgment will fill us all with dread and awe. The Lord will judge in perfect fairness and understanding. He will be praised for his rightful justice in response to the corrupt. He will be praised for His mercy towards repentant hearts. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Silence in Heaven

"When he opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven for about half an hour. And I saw the seven angels who stand before God, and to them were given seven trumpets.

Another angel, who had a golden censer, came and stood at the altar. He was given much incense to offer, with the prayers of the saints, on the golden altar before the throne.  The smoke of the incense with the prayers of the saints went up before God, out of the angel's hand. Then the angel took the censer, filled it with fire from the altar, and hurled it on the earth; and there were voices, thunder, flashes of lightening and an earthquake." 

Revelation 8:1-5

Silence in heaven. That's a crazy thought. Heaven is filled with songs and worship of the Lord Jesus... and then suddenly, this silence.
Why is it there? Some say it's a dramatic pause before the final show down between good and evil. Maybe so, but look at what the eighth angel is doing.

In the silence, this angel carries a golden bowl, filled with the prayers of Christ followers, and places it on the altar fire. The smoke and the prayers rise before the Lord.

This may sound cryptic, but it's a beautiful example of God's love for his people. This insight into heaven gives me hope and comfort.

The altar. When God first instructed Moses to build altars, He said they must be set apart, holy, and "whatever touches it will be holy"(Exodus 29:37, 30:10). Anything placed on the altar is made clean, holy, pure.

This passage is full of rich theology, and I don't want to belabor it. Just ponder that the altar was a place of sacrifice for sin; an animal was substituted for the guilty person and died in his place.  Then Jesus came, the perfect Lamb of God, and substituted Himself for us, satisfying sin's death penalty once and for all (and conquering death!). He is the last sacrifice on this altar. The prayers are bathed in the fire of His sacrifice.

That still sounds foreign, but when I think about my prayers: ugly motives mixed with sincere petitions, the desire to sound eloquent underlying spoken prayers, imperfect pleas for my will instead of His will be done, it's no wonder that my prayers need a bath. All my corrupted thoughts and motives burn away in this purifying fire, and my prayers are presented to God as holy and blameless.

I wonder if the silence in heaven is for the purpose of listening to these rising prayers. I know God can listen regardless, but He calls for silence.  Perhaps the silent solemnity of the moment is for the benefit of all who witness it.  When we speak to Him, He wants us to know He is listening and that our prayers are important to Him, so important that He would silence the worship He so rightfully deserves, to allow our puny prayers to be heard.

Not only does He listen, He answers. After the smoke of these prayers rises up before Jesus, the angel takes the fire of these purified entreaties from the altar, and hurls them back down to the earth with power. Thunder, lightening, voices, earthquake...

He takes our helpless pleadings, and by His almighty sacrifice, our prayers are given power to change the world. He condescends to lift us up, to let us be a part of His plan for this earth.

Prayer. We often go to it as a last resort. We think we are just talking to the air, that it is a waste of time, and wouldn't it be better to do something?  We have all kinds of excuses why we don't pray: no time, don't know how, there are too many needs, it's a personal thing-- secondary to caring for people...

Revelation 8 tells me something different,  something reiterated throughout the Bible. Look to Jesus, Paul, James, Daniel, Nehemiah, David all praying;  not in meditation or contemplation (not saying these things are bad), but in direct conversation with God. The prayer examples of the Bible are simple, direct, humble, and for the most part, they are petitions. We must ask God to meet all needs: to pray for ourselves and on behalf of others, on behalf of the world. When we don't know what to pray for, the Holy Spirit intercedes for us, pleading on our behalf (Romans 8:26).

Be comforted, and pray, pray, pray. Pray alone and with others. Pray even when it feels foolish or hopeless.  Our prayers are so important that God silences heaven to hear them. He cleans them, listens to them, and infuses them with power from the conquering cross. Then he hurls them back to the earth and changes the world.

Summer Reads

If you are about to take a vacation and would like to take along a good book, perhaps you might enjoy some of these titles.

What is the What? -David Eggers: the journey of a "Lost Boy" from Sudan to the U.S.

The Hiding Place - Corrie Ten Boom: autobiography of a Holocaust Survivor from Holland

Out of the Silent Planet - C.S. Lewis: the first book in his Space Trilogy. Not typical Sci-fi

Perelandra - C. S. Lewis: second in the Space Trilogy, and one of my all time favorite books

One Thousand Gifts- Ann Voscamp: a sweet book about life-changing gratitude

Mountains Beyond Mountains - Tracey Kidder: follows a famous doctor through Haiti and the world

Searching For God Know What - Donald Miller: an honest and humorous book about faith

Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte *: high drama, Gothic romance... A love story with all the crazy twists

A Tale of Two Cities -Charles Dickens *: a classic about human nature, set during the French revolution

Cry, The Beloved Country - Alan Paton: about the ties that reach beyond Apartheid in South Africa

The Number One Ladies Detective Agency - Alexander McCall Smith: entertaining and endearing, set in Botswana. I think Precious Ramotswe and I would be friends if she were not fictional.

Black Like Me - John Howard Griffin: an eye-opening journey through 1950's Jim Crow South

The Great Divorce - C. S. Lewis: an allegory of heaven and hell that's more approachable  than Dante

And It Was Good - Madeleine L'Engle: unusual perspective and thoughts on the creation of the world

The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien: adventure, dragons, goblins, little hairy men... could it get better?

The Chronicles of Narnia - C. S. Lewis: My sister once thought that she could get to Narnia through our closet, which is proof of a great story!

The Reason for God - Tim Keller *: a look at the Bible, God and the meaning of life

The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle: a collection of mysteries solved with amazing logic

Summa Theologica.... just kidding, summer vacation has to have some limits.

It's a random list, ranging from easy to intense reading. The ones with an (*) are either long, have complicated language, or just require more brain power. You have been warned.

These are some of my favorites, most of them have impacted the way I see the world.  

I hope you may enjoy them as much as I have!

Happy reading!

Choosing What is Better

Mary and Martha. Sisters. Personal friends of Jesus. There story, in Luke 10:38-42 of the Bible, carries immediate associations for those familiar with it. Jesus comes for a visit to their house, which sends Martha into a frenzy of hospitable activity. While she eagerly bustles to make everything perfect, Mary curls up at Jesus' feet and listens to Him teach, apparently unaware that there are other things to do. When Martha complains to Jesus, asking Him to get Mary moving, He replies: "Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." 


Poor Martha. Her behavior has sullied her name throughout history. Being labeled a "Martha" is a delicate church slur. You don't want to be like her. Always busy, always doing. Better to be like Mary the contemplative, who chose time with the Lord over the distractions of this world.


And it's true. Martha wasn't choosing what was best. But I wonder if we've missed the point.  "Martha" often evokes a certain personality type: busy, type A, administrative, ambitious, active, distracted. Conversely, "Mary" typifies mystical peace, calm, reverence, devotion... she may as well have a halo.


And yet, perhaps this story isn't about preference given to comtemplatives over busy-bees. Perhaps this story is more about choices than about personality traits.


My wedding day started out poorly. Everyone had come to town, and being the remedial delegator that I am, I was fielding a lot of phone calls and last minute questions. The majority of my wedding attendants was late to the salon. I needed to get food for lunch and make sure a crumpled dress was steamed. As often happens, family and tension come to parties together,  and I, the designated "peace-maker", felt thinly stretched. By the time the ceremony started, I was close to cracking: exhausted, fatigued, anxious and alone. 


But then, the miracle. My soon-to-be husband and I knelt and took bread-body broken, and wine-blood shed, and God interrupted my imminent melt down. I became acutely aware of His great love for me. Jesus, body broken, blood shed, for me. Present moment love.  Not only this, but blessing upon blessing, here I was, kneeling at an altar next to a beloved man who was promising himself to me for our lifetime. It was as if the Lord was whispering in my ear, "I am here. I love you. This is important. Don't miss it."  The Lord is here, rich in love, be still and know, be anxious for nothing and rejoice with thanksgiving! 


And I did rejoice.


Of course, the Lord is always with me, no matter the time or place. But there are moments, break through moments, where He presents Himself in deliberate, personal, stop-and-listen ways. He comes as a guest to my house. 


And it's not my activity that prevents me from enjoying His presence, but the motives behind it. Perhaps Jesus read in Martha the desire to impress. Perhaps He saw her wanting to earn His approval. I know He saw my desire to prove to my family that I had a good life, that I was competent, that they should be proud of me. I know He saw the undercurrent of calculations that I ignored in myself. Thank God, He broke through.


Perhaps this vignette of Martha and Mary is about choosing to trust. Will I let God lead today, or am I too afraid to rescind my control? 


Maybe it illustrates the constant battle of proving worth versus receiving love. Who am I trying to impress? Why am I trying to impress? Will I let go of that desire?


Perhaps their story is an exhortation to stop, listen, and be present with Jesus in the moment, to let Him govern the pace of life, the importance of my activities, to let Him love me. 


Perhaps He is calling to Martha, to me, to sit a while until His unconditional love penetrates my thick defenses and frees me into obedience.


Maybe then, when His love overflows me with thanksgiving, I can work in freedom too, a love-offering instead of a love-earning.  

The Scandalous Fall into Grace

It seems like whenever I flip on a newscast, there is another big-name scandal to report: politicians with hidden mistresses and love children, leaders misappropriating funds, powerful people behaving badly. Recently, a reporter described one such debacle as "the most dramatic fall from grace in recent history."

"... fall from grace." Fall from Grace? The phrase stuck in my mind. It's a common idiom that has skipped unnoticed past my ears many times.

"... fall from grace." The words rolled around in my brain.  I know it has come to mean one who has fallen out of favor, lost esteem, done something so reprehensible as to become an outcast.

But this is wrong. Completely wrong. This is a lie.

Grace does mean favor, but not favor based on merit. It's a free gift, lavished on us with good will. It's not based on our performance, but upon the Will that is good and desires to give it.

Grace by definition cannot be earned, and therefore cannot be lost through bad behavior. It is extended while we are reprehensible enemies of God. Unmerited mercy combined with generous restoration-- this is Grace. It means we don't get what we deserve but instead are given good gifts.

Where does this leave our smarmy politicians? It means that they can't fall from Grace by their terrible behavior. In fact, the terrible behavior puts them in prime position to fall into Grace.

What a scandal.

We don't like the sound of that. We want them to fall. Hard. Our whole lives are based on having our good behavior outweigh the bad. If we are good enough, we earn position on earth--  even in heaven. These miscreants should not be given grace.

But, as it turns out, this good-enough belief disqualifies us from grace. When I looked up the origin of "fall from grace", I found this:

"You are severed from Christ, you who would be justified by the law (read: being good); you have fallen away from grace." Galatians 5:4(NLT)

We really don't like this. No pulling up by boot straps. No earning approval or hierarchy of goodness.  Grace is for the wretched.

Grace is the humiliation of mankind, and the leveler of superiority. It destroys worth based on comparison to other people. Accepting Grace means that we put off ever trying to be good enough, put off earning gold stars. If we continue to good-work our way through life, we are fallen from grace.

We don't like this at all, not until we find ourselves fast falling and in desperate need of a lifeline. Only when we are wretched do we understand Grace.

This is the scandalous love of God: He took our place in shame and guilt and wretchedness, died the death that we deserve, and rose again to make Grace available.

Because of Him, when we fall, we can fall into Grace.

Who is to blame?

I watch a lot of documentaries. I inherited this habit from my dad. In a recent phone conversation, I interrupted his viewing of a documentary on Machu Picchu, which coincidentally, I had watched the previous week. Our conversation about ancient, mountain-top drainage systems makes me laugh. This apple fell right under the paternal tree.

Documentaries are like visual thesis papers. They present facts, tell an historic tale and try to persuade the audience to accept a point of view. (All of this sounds about as exciting as a tooth extraction, I'm sure...)

In honor of Memorial Day,  our PBS station aired a documentary about a bloody battle during the Korean War.  It's called "Hold at All Costs", and they interview men and women from both sides of the battle. The overall picture of what happened is straightforward and devastating.

The end of the documentary gives the reasons for why it happened, why so many had to die, why fighting was right and good and necessary. This is the part where history ends and persuasion begins.

It made me curious about the Korean War. What were they fighting over? In the documentary, U.N. forces were protecting the weak South Koreans. In Chinese histories, the reason for helping North Korea was to prevent the American Imperialists from threatening their homes and way of life. Both sides place themselves in the right, both vilify the opposition. Which one is telling the truth? With so many casualties, so much horror, who is to blame?

My husband and I watched "Inside Job" this weekend. It's a whistle-blower documentary about Wall Street corruption. A few weeks ago we saw "Food, Inc.", which highlights the nastiness of our current food industry. The rallying cry is to press the government for financial regulation and eat organic food! Save the planet and the common man!

I suppose the underlying theme of these films is that the world is a mess, and (point the finger) is to blame, so fight back!  They can really raise my righteous ire with a mental: 'How dare THEY do THAT!'

This is the danger of documentaries for me.  I get busy looking at what everyone else is doing wrong.

I don't doubt that Wall Street is corrupt, or that the food industry is greedy and hurtful to our nation. I don't doubt that on both sides of war their are people doing evil things with poor motives. That is not the issue.

The issue is, given the choice, power, position, would I do any better? I hope so, but I do not know so. We are so good at justifying our behavior and trusting our own hearts. Even in confessing wrong-doing, I try to soften the edges of my own infamy.  I have so many good excuses that a prosecuting attorney would sympathize with my plight.

We prefer to think of ourselves as basically good people, born good, with good intentions. But any mother will tell you how difficult it is to train a child to do right, to live unselfishly. Our hearts are deceptive above all things.  I know when injustice is happening to me or to someone else, but I do not readily see when I am unjust. I do not want to see the corruption of my own heart. I like to be associated with the victim and not the oppressor.

Perhaps the best exercise for me after watching documentaries is to turn the lens on myself, and with the help of God, uncover the malignancies in my own character. Because it's so easy to blame, so easy to vindicate self and overlook personal culpability...

Lord help me see what I do not like to see. Be merciful to me, a sinner.